My Recruitment...

Yes, I am being recruited. Neither Bronco nor K-Witt have come to my house and said, “You are old and fat, but we want you to play football for us.” No secret agents from Tikes’ dreams have asked me to leave my old life behind and serve my country as a CIA operative. This time there was no trade show exhibits convention to recruit me to a school. This recruitment is for less stressful.

I am a nursing student and as such, many people want my services in the future. This is why I am being recruited. Now, the decision on where I work comes down to more than just how much money I will make, or where I will actually be working. I am far shallower than that. That is why Mt. View Hospital has unofficially become my next home away from home.

Some representatives from Mt. View have recently visited our nursing class and bribed me with such extravagant gifts as chap stick, carabiners, pens, and the best yet – muffins and juice. Yes, they had me when they handed me my free super cheap carabiner. It is now an essential part of my keychain.

The representatives from the hospital talked to everyone in the class, but I know that it was just so that the other students wouldn’t feel bad if they had talked to me and me alone. So, I have decided to apply sometime in the recent future to begin work as an LPN at said hospital. Future details are forthcoming. Just know that I am important and I got some seriously sweet stuff and you didn’t. Oh, I almost forgot to mention their biggest bribe… 4 grand in cold hard cash over the last 4 semesters. I am contractually obligated to work for Mt. View, Timpanogas, or St. Mark’s for around a year post-graduation.

None the less, they continue to shower me with gifts and plead for my services.

Note – the U.S. Army has also recruited on 4 separate occasions. They provide pizza, but no carabiners. What does that mean? No deal... Sir.

Not so update...

Yes, it has been a while. A long while. I knew that something had to be done when your mom told me that I could “come over anytime to use [their] computer to blog”. When your mom is telling me to blog, it is bad. That is like your dad telling me how to pass someone on the freeway. And now that there is an Amber alert out – I knew today was the day.

You may all be wondering about the picture. I guess it could have two meanings. You could say that my favorite actor ever represents me and my inability to type freely. However, I have chosen this picture not to represent myself (no picture is that awesome) but to represent my college experience so far this semester.

I have done a clinical rotation at the Utah State Hospital. I know that this is a very popular place to take pictures as there is a ‘castle’ behind the hospital that is a very pretty place. I now have peeked into the depths of the beast as it were and am here to report…

Let me start by telling you that I know, as do most of you, two employees of the hospital. One is much better known than the other; he is my age, his name in Mike, and his older brother is my land lord’s brother-in-law. Clear enough? Anyway, he has been bitten, yelled at, threatened, scratched, and yes, kicked in the gonads while at work. I knew this going in. I was pretty nervous.

I am happy to report to you that after 33 hours with mentally ill patients, I was never in physical danger. I did witness a "take down", a patient ‘changing the oil’ on the benches in the hallways. I also saw a patient sprinting up and down the hallways and lifting imaginary weights while grunting as if he were in the Olympics, all to ‘release aggression’. I also saw a pt pushing on the walls exclaiming “I can hear it cracking, I’m busting out of this place.” Now, I don’t mean to make light of their condition. Mental illness is serious and deserves understanding and respect. This whole post seems more like a response paper than a decent post, but, I thought that I needed to post on something pronto, or my family might have me admitted.

From Rags to Riches, or Vice Versa...

Yes, it has been many a day too long since I have updated in the Hub. There has been a pressing issue on my mind the last couple weeks, though. I believe that you all deserve to hear it…

My wife and I have decided that it is time to move back to the land of our forefathers, or at least back to the land of my childhood. You read correctly. P-town, the most awesome person to ever grace your streets is returning to his old domain. I wish I could tell you that we found a house, but when I asked our income if that were possible he just started laughing. After he finished, he asked if that was a serious question. I just let go at that point.

But we are moving in the coming weeks and I expect all of you reading this to give me a call and be there for the big day. I am thinking it will probably take around 3 hours as there is not a whole lot of junk to move. The distance between our future residence is also pretty close, so that helps. Of course, if you are not there to help I will understand that you hate both my wife and me and that you hope never to see us again. For those of you who are there, I believe a round of golf on me is appropriate as payment.

FYI, this place is located 2 blocks from your mom’s house. Just up the hill. The landlord used to live next door to your mom’s house before the shirtless leaf blower moved in. Maybe you know the place.

Some benefits of the move include, but are not limited to:

Cell phone reception
Electricity
Civilization
Stores within 10 miles
Natural Gas
No animals

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned...

The first annual family migration to AZ is almost upon us. This trip will be filled with awesome stuff including, but not limited to; 18 holes of golf in hell, good food, GH3, dunkball, pool lounging, and the Braves vs. Diamondbacks game.

I now have a confession to make. I do not follow the Braves as closely as I should, I don't own a Braves jersey, the only Braves shirt I have was given to me by Ri-Bone (thanks). You could say that I am a Braves fan by default. However, due to a terrible season and a devastating and contagious something or other, the team has been riddled with injuries. Now, that is not my fault. "I did not break the pace car" (Rome). But my problem now is that I only know the name of 1 player on the team without looking it up, and I don't even know how to spell it - Frenchy. I know that they have a new cf because the dough boy has been traded to LA. I know, it's ridiculous how little I have learned.

Now, I am excited to go and watch the game and I will cheer on the Braves. I am just asking for guidance from those who know more than I, and that have been there through thick and thin. I need to know what to watch for - if there is anything left. So I ask you, faithful Brave loving blungle members, to teach me to walk in the light of Bobby. Who is decent? Who is fat? Who even plays? Can any of them hit? I now am going to do a little research as it is the second step of my repentance process.