My adventure in the "Big City"

I am currently in the process of scheduling my LPN test. This process consists of 3 steps.

1. Register online. This is easy and convenient - as it should be, it's 2008 for crying out loud. Total price in U.S. dollars to complete step 1... $200. Yep. Lame.

2. Print out the application to take the test, fill it out by hand, and run it by the DOPL in Salt Lake. Lame. What happened to the Internet? Anyway... I get around to driving downtown in SLC to drop off the application. I find the address easily enough and it hits me... "Oh crap - I'm going to have to pay for parking." I should have known way before I got there. I don't have any change on me for a meter. I think to myself that maybe, just maybe there will be a parking lot where people can park to take care of government business. I get to the other side of the block and bingo - nice parking lot. I go to turn in to read a sign that said,

"We, the owners of this property are Gay. We know that hundreds of people are forced to park here everyday and we choose take your money -ha ha. Does the government or anyone else care? The answer is no, in fact - they enjoy it as we give them a cut. Your mom."

Ok, so it really said "You must take a ticket, blah, blah, blah... hourly rates, blah, blah blah..."

Anyway, so I park, find an ATM, withdraw $20 (for a fee - of course) and run in to turn in my application. Oh, and a check for $95. Ya. Lame. Got my fingerprints taken for a background check (good thing I am not a felon like some of you are). I then proceed to my car and leave after paying the weirdo in the booth $3 for the 15 minutes I occupied that space.

I then get the wonderful opportunity of driving for an hour and a half to get home. I then take 4 quizzes and decide to go past the point of procrastination to just turning things in late. The paper that is due tomorrow is just going to have to wait until Wednesday. Good thing the semester is winding down. I don't know how much more gas I have - or how much more I can afford with these trips to Salt Lake.

Oh, step 3 - schedule a time to take the test. By the way, the testing center is in Draper. Lame.

Anybody have a Kleenex I can use?

My unfruitful (sort of) search...

For class there are a certain number of movies that we can watch for credit. One of these is "Wit". We saw a few clips in class on Thursday and it looked pretty good, so I decided to rent it. It was, however, not as easy as running to the local blockbuster. I first called home and asked my dear sweet wife to do all the work for me. She later confirmed that neither the blockbuster nor Hollywood video had it. She suggested UVSC's library at which I replied, "Ya, I was going to go on Monday, but if I could get it earlier blah, blah, blah." So I'm on my way home when I have an Epiphany. Why don't I check the Payson City Library. I decide to stop on the way home.

For those of you that heard the 'twilight zone' story - go ahead and skip the next few paragraphs.

So I get to Payson and Main st is closed. I notice a bunch of hay and flags and roosters and there is some band with "B" in their chests and a big bus in the middle of the road. I now start to think that there is some band competition going on and that there are a bunch of people here standing around waiting for it to begin in the park maybe?

But it just got worse. I go up one side of the street looking for the library. All I see in the shop windows are things like 'Sheriff Dept.' and post office when I know that they are not really there. I go down the other side of the street and now am thoroughly confused. I look down the street to the north - Norm's is still there. I look to the south - the park is still there. Where am I? I swear it hasn't been that long since I have been there. I decide to call for back-up. Yep, I called your mom.

I explain my predicament and she starts laughing. She explains that they are shooting a movie and that I should go in the back door. She calls me a retard (not really but her laughing at me did) and told me that she would get the movie from BYU's library. She did. Thanks, mom. I love you too.

Oh, and I met some crazy lady that was watching me the whole time. She said something about reading my brother's blog and then just went away. Ya, I know. Kinda scary. Blog stalkers are real and they are in P-town. Just kidding - it wasn't weird. After all. I am one of the 4 cornerstones of team awesome. Who doesn't know who we are?

Does a Bear Take a... / One Crappy Day...

OK, so I had clinical again today. Yes, you will hear all about my clinical as my usual day consists of driving to work - driving around - and driving home. So anyway...

Here we are at the nurses station (most of the ladies) are gabbing about making "cute" things for their babies (3 pregnant nurses on the floor - holy moley J-Stew). Anyway, a call light turns on and the phone rings. Since it is one of our patients, the nurse picks it up, "May we help you? ... Ok, we'll be right in." I inquire "what's up?" She says, "she (the patient) needs some help getting to her bed from the bathroom". I think, no problem, help her get across the tiny little room, sit, and then lay down, adjust the bed, we are in and out in 30 seconds. Boy was I wrong.

My first clue as to how wrong I was happened as my nurse opened the door to the patients room. Did I see something out of the ordinary? No. Did I hear anything that would alarm me? No. Did I smell a stench so strong that it brought back thoughts of Jurassic Park 3 looking for a cell phone in a pile of dinosaur poo as if I were bobbing for apples? Yes. It was bad. I knew at that moment that we were in for it.

At this point we are 2 feet inside the door and the patient matter of factly says "I didn't make it". I take 3 more steps and peer into the bathroom... There is poo all over the toilet seat. Seriously all over. It was gross. But wait - there is more. There was poo all over the wall and all over the floor. How it actually got there remains a mystery. All I know is that the patient was promptly escorted directly into the shower to be sprayed off. It was all over the bed as well. So... you can take it from there. By the way - the patient had milk of magnesia a little earlier than when our shift started - she had diarrhea all shift long. Awesome. Welcome to nursing.

Ok, now for a second story. Yes. A second one. I get home and all is going great. I decide just before dinner that I will play with T-slob for a bit. I pick him up and put him up on my shoulders piggy-back and flip him over and what not. After a while I put him on my head and shake my head back and forth real fast in the act of tickling him. All is well, until... I pull him off the top of my head and he kinda rubs against my face. His shorts are a bit wet.

I think fast... oh no - did he spill some water or sit in some spilled water? He did just take a bath... or even worse - he may have peed through his diaper. I voice my concern to Ashley. She comes over as I am holding slobs at arms length. Ash checks his diaper. She finds that poo has exploded out the left leg hole of his diaper and down to his ankle, soaking his shorts. That's right. I had poo juices on my face. Welcome to parenthood.