Corneal Warming...

My fellow Americans,

I post today about the latest and possibly greatest global threat out there. What could that be, you ask? I will tell you one thing that is NOT a threat - global warming. Global warming doesn't even exist, but that will have to wait. The real threat is called corneal warming.

It all started yesterday. I was in Delta doing some work as the sun beat down relentlessly. I think the temp. got up to like 88 degrees. I know - but wait - it gets worse... after I was done with the work that had to be done (finish your chores and then you can play), I found it appropriate to test out the local golf course. For those of you who are wondering - it was not wonderful (don't believe what you read online, 'some of the best fairways and greens in the state' my butt). Anyway, the sun continued to beat down. I then headed home and found it appropriate to hit the links again. This time at Gladis and Stanley's. The back 9. It was sweet, but not really cold. After that, I played in 2 softball games. Of course we won both. So, it was a pretty awesome day. By the way - after all that - my wife still loves me, I asked her.

So by the end of the day I felt as if the sun had personally picked me to torment and torture. Rays of the sun, which usually heat the entire planet were focused solely on me, and in particular, my corneas. I got home and asked Ash if she would perform minor ophthalmic surgery on my left eye. I had a trifecta of problems. 1- corneal warming had burned my eyeballs. 2- I had an inverted eyelash. 3- light colored eyes (blue) are more sensitive to light. Although I have a built in brim on my skull (Ri-bone knows what I mean - the protruding brow) it's not quite enough to shield my eyes. So my eyes are already preheated to the point that I am worried that my aqueous humor is about to boil, melt away my corneas from the inside, ooze down my face, and scar me for life. On top of that I have this pesky inverted eyelash that is scraping off layer by layer of sclera.

Thanks to Ash, I made it through the night to see another day. I then decided that it was time to fight back in the war of corneal warming. How much was I willing to sacrifice? What is the price that I was willing to pay to protect myself and my eyes from this epidemic? $5.38 at Wal-mart. 100% UV protection never looked, or felt so good.

Note: Those of you living in Arizona, New Mexico, or other states in which the temp is already 115 and above - you may want to wear you shades inside. You will get double the protection and you will be freaking hard at the same time.

Note 2: I payed $5.38 for my shades - what is the difference between the plastic on my sunglasses and the plastic on sunglasses that cost like 100-200 bones? I don't get it...

Sorry to do this...

but even I am tired of seeing that same post each time I've checked your blog--it's getting old.

Honey, next time you want to pick up that Wii paddle or the XBOX controller think of your lonely blog and that the blungle is missing you.

And yes, I remembered your sign in. Love you!

One of those days you HAVE to remember... or else...

Happy 25th Birthday Ashley. I love you.

Hey Shawn Marion - Michael J. Fox Called, He Wants His Jumper Back...

Who can forget the memorable role that Michael J. Fox played in "Teen Wolf"? That's right, no one. Who can forget how terrible he looked when he attempted to shoot and dribble the basketball? No one. Just like Charlie Sheen trying to throw a baseball in "Major League" there have been many an actor that has taken an athletic role and not done all that well.

Now, picture Mr. Fox playing basketball. It looks bad, really bad. That is because he is really bad. But, what if - just what if Mr. Fox were to put on a brand new pair of MJ IV's? He might not even have needed to turn into a werewolf to dominate the court. Just the act of him putting on those shoes could have propelled his game to new heights. He could have, in all reality become Michael J. Jordan.

Or not.

He probably would continue to look as foolish as he did. The shoes probably would not improve his jumper, his ball handling skills, or his overall basketball aura. I am, however, positive that those shoes would have given him a boost in one two key aspects. 1 - He would look like a BDass, and 2 - He would know that he looked like a BDass.

Now, what the heck does that matter?

Well, my fellow U.S. Americans not of the Iraq therefore such as, you all can call me Tiger from now on. That's right. Thanks to my new favorite President of the United States (George W.), I will be sporting a Nike Sumo Square Head Driver (8.5 degree) from now on. Will it cut 20 strokes off my game? Will I hit every fairway off the tee box? Will my swing be perfect? The answer to these questions is... No, Guaranteed. But, I will look pretty good pulling that bad boy out of my bag until I swing it.

I am actually pretty pumped to give it a whirl. I swung it a few times today at a few different stores before I pulled the trigger and bought it. Just consider this your warning: beat downs were included with the purchase. I will start distributing them tomorrow... hopefully.

Some of you may think that I was foolish to just throw money that I didn't earn away for a golf club - let me just say shame on you. I am only trying to fulfill my duty as a citizen of this great country. The economy needs a boost - and as long as I get money for nothing - I will spend some. Believe it. Don't worry mother, some is going into savings, sheesh.

Fresh as a Daisy...

You all might wonder what in the world this is. No, Tyler does not have severe diarrhea while potting training using Tupperware. Let me explain...

You may have all read that I was going to the range to 'tighten up' my swing. I had a couple theories that I though might give me that extra boost that I need. I thought that I could go and try a couple things out and add some distance and maybe even straighten out my shot. Unfortunately, I was wrong. After testing out my theory, I found out that pretty much no matter what I do, I am not Tiger Woods, no, I am not even Ranger Rick.

So, I came home and decided that I needed to rekindle the friendship that I once had with my clubs. You might even say I had a PGCI (personal golf club interview) with each individual club. I taught them about the game of golf - what was supposed to happen, some of the commandments that they needed to follow, and the joy that could be felt when achieving a birdie. They were golden investigators, and they all decided to change their ways, become converted to good golf, and be washed and cleaned in my kitchen. Thus, we see the filth and the sin that was washed from them into the Tupperware of hot, soapy water.

Now, I just have to talk to my swing.