I found it. The next big thing is almost within my reach. I have been shopping the last couple days in order to find my next putter. I am currently borrowing Tikes old one, and it has treated me well, but I feel the urge to plunge myself deeper into golf debt.

The winner of my putting affection is…. the Odyssey White Hot Sabertooth. It is money, it hits the ball smoothly, and it looks cool (maybe its most important feature). I figure that if it is good enough for Rocco, then it is good enough for me.

There is just one catch… It retails at a cool $169.99. I saw the price tag and started thinking…

Birthday – no, just passed.

Father’s Day – nope, also just passed.

Christmas – no, too far away.

Half birthday – no, again too far away.

Since I have 0 excuses to buy it and 0 dollars in the ‘buy more golf stuff’ fund, I am in a pickle. But I don’t give up so easy. I get to thinking again… I can perform slave labor for someone that could use my (relative) youth. I ponder for a bit, and Boom, Ralph Ricardo is the answer to my predicament. Yes sir, he always has something going on in one of his two yards. And right now is no exception. His latest leveling/sod laying project is already underway… and I am a part of it. The very same man that funded buying my Rams is going to come through in the clutch and hook me up once again.

Now when I eventually (it could be days, weeks, or even months) buy my sabertooth; I can really say that I paid for it with blood, sweat, and tears. Tears of joy, of course.

The End Of An Era

I guess it was bound to happen sometime… As you know, I own a pair of golf shoes. You also know that I don’t ever stay strictly in the fairway. If you put those two bits of knowledge together you can understand that I get a bunch of mud and gunk stuck to my shoes. Anyway, today just so happened to be one of those days; and by ‘one of those days’ I mean holy I am terrible.

So we get to the 18th green and I pull out my putter to putt for bogey. I then notice my shoes. I think back to earlier in the round as I left the sand that I gave a swift wedge chop to my shoes to clean them of any residual sand. This chop was much like you see baseball players do to clean their cleats.

So, without thinking I decide that a couple swift putter chops to my shoes might clean them… it didn’t work. I then decide, again without thinking, to chop again – only harder. This time a bit of mud and some grass come off. I then decide to continue this action until I feel the majority of the crap is off my shoes. My putter had other ideas.

Pretty much I busted the head off my putter. Yes, I am a retard. Yes, I have learned my lesson, and yes, I am accepting any Scotty Cameron putters that you may have lying around the house. Consider it a charitable donation. It will go to a worthy cause.

War Tikes and Ri-Wie owning extra putters.

Another Small Peeve...

Many ‘guys’ have been spoken of in the blungle. There is ‘softball guy’ and even worse, ‘likes to walk in softball guy’. There is ‘biker shorts guy’ and ‘jogger guy’. There is even ‘white trash no undies cook guy’. The list goes on and on. A couple days ago something happened to me that opened my senses to not another guy, but a lady… ‘Way too much grandma perfume lady’. Let me explain…

The other day I am walking down the hall (not at home) and as I pass by the drinking fountain ‘WTMGPL’ walks by in all her glory. She is apparently unaware that the entire building can smell her coming. Are you kidding me? What is going on in her head as she is getting ready for the day? Does she stink really bad because she has hairy pits? Does she like the sound the little perfume bottle makes? Or does she just lose track of time as she sprays herself down for 10 minutes prior to exiting her home?

The worst part is that the perfume doesn’t even smell good unless you are above the age of 70 when the chemoreceptors in you nose start to deteriorate. Now, I don’t have a problem with perfume, cologne, candles, potpourri, peach air fresheners for your car, flowers, or any other pleasant smelling substance, I just have a problem with any lady that puts on 6 times the legal limit of perfume that belonged to her great grandmother. You can’t tell me that it doesn’t bug you too.

Shown Up By A Girl, Again...

Ashley is a stud mini golfer. I don't know where her massive skill comes from, but I have never beaten her on a miniature golf course. I haven't even come close. Now, my putting skills are terrible, but that is besides the point. Some of you reading this may recall Fiesta Fun in St. George a while back (maybe 2-3 years ago?) when we went couples best ball and Ashley smoked you all to bring the free dessert our way? I do. It was awesome.

Fast forward to yesterday. We went golfing. A co-worker's wife wanted to take him for his birthday and we got the invite. Basically, I was forced to go golfing again. I know, a sacrifice that had to be made. Anyway, Ash had told me beforehand not to make her swing a club at all - she was just the cart driver and caddie.

So we went out the back and I was not even good. I three putted the 10th green starting with a double bogey. I pretty much 3 putted a lot. So I finally start picking it up on 15. A sweet tee shot and a decent approach leave me with a birdie putt that I shank - of course, and another sweet tee shot on 16 get me to the green in regulation. I then 2 putt for 2 pars in a row. I am feeling it. 17 comes along - after taking a quick bath, my ball is on the front fringe about 10 feet from the hole.

At this point 1 of 3 things happen inside Ashley's head. She either thinks 1- Holy moley J-stew if I have to watch my husband 3 putt one more time I swear... 2- This has been fun, I would like to try my putting skills, let's have a go, or 3- I dominate with the putter; let me show you how it's done.

She walks over to where I am standing with her hand outstretched - doesn't say a word. I say "are you putting for me now?" "Yep." "Ok." I stand back, watch, and wait. Ashley then asks, "how do you hold the putter?" I coach her, "however feels comfortable." She then lines it up, looks at the hole, and sinks it. Just like that. At this point I am thinking about just turning my clubs over to her and watching her golf on TV. It was awesome.

18 comes along. Another sweet tee shot, another in the water (going for the green it two - sliced it right, so another putt from maybe 15-20 feet - I just give the putter to Ashley - no questions asked. She again lines it up, looks at the hole, at putts... perfect speed, downhill by the way, she leaves it about a foot left. Taps it in. I am hoping for some lessons at a discounted rate sometime next week. I've got to get my pride/manhood/ego back.

Please Remain Calm, This Is Only A Test...

Yes Sir, 3 days in a row...

So I took my big test that I have been avoiding/rescheduling for the last 4 months. The test is adaptive so if you answer the question right, you get a harder question; if you answer the question wrong, you get an easier one etc… There are a total of 205 questions with a minimum of 85 (if you do really well, or you really suck – the test ends early). So I got to 85 and braced myself for the end but, it didn’t come. I kept answering question after question until finally, at number 178 the test stopped.

I looked up my score online today and found out that, just like Tommy Callihan's D+, I passed. I am not sure how, but I now have an active LPN license. Pretty much you are all jealous of me because I can now go to a hospital and clean up human fecal matter (sometimes still warm) and get paid to do so.

I am still unsure about when and where I will be working in the next month. I talked to the HR director at Mtn. View and he said that as of right now neither Mtn. View nor Timp were currently hiring LPNs, so... we will see if I will even work as an LPN or what, but don’t worry – I will keep you all up to date. I am on a roll at this posting thing. Believe it.

Adding Fuel To The Fire...

If this isn’t the most fitting follow-up post ever, I don’t know what is…

First off, I vote that all shoe companies should get together at a big BBQ and resize all their shoes so that they are all the same. I hate that a 12 in Nike in too small, but ok in Adidas etc… On top of that whole issue is that fact that my feet, although beautiful and never stinky, are both too big and too little. My shoe size is a 12.5. Is that a crime? No. I swear there are no stores in the county that order this size. I am too lazy and impatient to order a pair online, so I am forced to squeeze into a 12 or flop around in a 13. I hate it. Boo-hoo-hoo, I know that you all care.

Anyway, back on track…

I just finished fueling my growing addiction/problem. How, you ask? Well, as you probably already guessed – I bought some golf shoes. I will test them out tomorrow morning bright and early. I am hoping that they cut like 10 strokes off my game, but I am not counting on it (go ahead and re-read my Michael J. Fox post and insert shoes instead of a SUMO driver). Anyway – I will be sure to post my score and let you know how it went.

Oh, and these are the shoes that I bought for $55 bones (tax included). Size 12 – and they fit pretty well. They are just a smidge tight around the metatarsal-digit joints. They had another pair that I really liked - Nikes for $45, but they only had size 12 (too small), no size 13’s (that would have been perfect). So… your mom.

Holy Ridiculously Long Time Without Posting, Batman...

Wow. Welcome back, me. So I would like to confess to you all about an addiction that I have been struggling with for quite some time. This addiction started even before the first power outage here at the ranch. This addiction has caused me to give up the essential and basic things that are essential to sustaining life. I have given up money, I have given up sleep, and I have given up food. Yes, I have a problem… but I like it.

This problem is golf. Golf has, in one way or another, kept me from faithfully posting on what should now be known as the ‘wheretheresghosttown’ blog. But I have ripped myself away for these brief moments, to update you.

My problem is not just that I golf every once in a while. It is Wii golf, it is real golf, and now it is golf on the XBOX. I have even started walking. Yes, you read right – walking.

Anyway, Ash got me a pass for a buy one get one free at Gladstan and it has been on ever since father’s day. On top of that, I splurged and bought ‘Tiger Woods PGA Tour 06’ for the XBOX for a grand total of $5.38. By the way – it is sweet.

So for all of you that are upset right now or thinking that this is long overdue - you are just jealous that I play golf in one form or another for like 3 hours a day, easy.