Learned or Inherited?

Today’s post is about an epiphany I had recently… Let me just put a couple pictures in your mind…

1. Me, on the tee box with Driver in hand and a tee sticking out of my mouth.
2. Me, sitting on the porch passing the time.
3. Me, not having cable or the internet.

Ok, so there are a few problems. I still have not reverted to calling water ‘rocky mtn. punch’, nor have I begun to manually signal a left turn while entering the freeway. But I do continue to live in the Stone Age. My old man now has caller ID and HDTV. He also enjoys the luxury of the World Wide Web (even though he still just plays solitaire). The point is that I have limited access to the internet and I have not really done anything about it.

So, you can call this an excuse for not blogging. It does increase your blogging potential by having the internet in the confines of your home, so that will be coming soon, thanks to Comcast. Also, school sucks and it takes a lot of my time these days – have you ever taken out an NG tube – it’s gross. And who would blog instead of embarrassing JROD and Tikes on the course?

Anyway…

The Christmas celebration begins in a mere two days. That is something that we all can blog about.

War me plugging the blogs to the nursing staff that I was working with yesterday.

My Fatness, er... Fitness Program...

There are a couple things that need to be brought up before this post gets going too far. 1- I am fat. There are many levels of fat, from slightly overweight to Jabba the Hut, but rest assured… I am fat. 2- I like football… a lot. I think football is my #1 sport both to watch and to play. Just for the record, co-ed softball ranks around 47. Just behind cross country and just before NASCAR. Anyway…

You may remember that last year during this time I was known to many as Benedict Hub. I bailed on the football team I had played with for years for the promise of fame and fortune as a member of the Iron Pigs. We were a good team, but we could not get over the hump. Our quarterback situation was one that was not conducive with winning it all. Alas, we fell short.

Fast forward, or rewind, to my last post about football entitled "Called Out Of Retirement." I was brought back to ensure a championship victory. I have since gone back to the origins of my flag football career. Yes, I am once again a member of a dynasty. The team formerly known as Pirate Motorsports has me on their roster playing D End full time.

So, I hope that I can get into better shape. It is pretty bad right now. I cannot sprint for two plays in a row. Now, if the football doesn’t get me where I want to be, I have a sweet backup plan. I have signed on to play P-town league basketball with none other than Kid Rock himself. I am pumped. League starts Nov. 10th. I am almost as excited at the blogging prospects that surely will present themselves during the games as I am about actually playing. But for now, the drama of Flag Football will have to do.

My Battle Against Boredom...

As a student nurse I have learned many things over the years. The important things I have, of course, forgotten. But I do remember some of the ‘interesting’ stuff. Now when I say ‘interesting’ I mean knowledge mostly concerning the bowel. So, I have built up an immunity to feeling the least bit embarrassed or grossed out when discussing poo, the formation of poo, or the elimination of poo. On that point…

I like to take my sweet time on the throne. Think what you may. Some people take long showers, I take long growlers. Don’t worry about it. I always have some reading material handy as well (you can’t just sit there). Usually it is the Reader’s Digest or a golf magazine. The other day, however, I came to a figurative wall. I had read both these two sources, leaving me alone and exposed. What could I do?
Quickly the idea came to pull out my phone and play a quick game of whatever game the phone came with. Unfortunately, all of the ‘games’ were just demos. Gay. I could play for like 30 seconds and then it would ask if I wanted to purchase the game. No, thanks. I knew that, eventually, I would have to break down and buy a game on my phone.

I did and you all wish you had my phone right now. I am rocking Guitar Hero 3 on the LG. I have already passed the normal difficulty 5-staring every song and am well on my way to doing to same in expert mode. I guess my legendary skills from the real GH3 combine with my above average texting skills to create a god-like power to melt faces with just my phone.

Note: The actual game isn’t that good, but good enough - And GH3 blows Rockstar out of the water.

I once was lost, but now am found...

As yet another golf season is coming to a close, and a Christmas season is fast approaching (less than 1 month until the celebrations begin), I need some closure. I think it necessary to ‘come clean’ about my secret bout with OCD.

It all started around 2 months ago, I was in prime golfing shape, and I was going 3-4 times a week. It was an addiction that could not be quenched. Many of you know that I am not really good at the sport I so love, therefore, I was losing a lot of golf balls. Usually what I would do when this happened was go the Wal-Mart (they got your back) and buy some used Titliest golf balls that would last me another couple weeks.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but I was on the course, and I was running low. I thought to myself, “I can just buy some more, no big deal” but I continued, “or I could just look for some in the weeds and scrub oak where I have lost so many and then I could use the money I would have spend on balls, and buy another round.” I committed then and there. I was not going to buy another ball.

I had always thought that if I lost a ball that I would go look for it and find an extra, thus preserving my count and adding to it. But I kind of had a mental break at that time. It was on hole 8 at the local course. I hit one into the really rough stuff to the west of the green. I parked the cart and headed in. I found my ball and others, I kept looking, and something snapped. I couldn’t stop. It was addicting, I not only searched there, but on the other side of the fairway. By the end of my search of around 20 minutes (luckily it was not busy that day), I had nearly 40 golf balls. Ya, it was on.

Not only was my addiction changed from playing to looking for balls, but I had to clean and categorize each individual ball. My wife can attest that I should have taken some anti psychotic meds. Don’t believe me? I can prove it. Here is my current inventory of golf balls by brand…

64 – Titliest
56 – Top Flight
30 – Callaway
26 – Nike and Maxfli/Noodle (52 total – 26 each)
11 – Precept
8 – Taylormade, Wilson, and Dunlop (8 each)
7 – Pinnacle
5 – Alien
3 – Slazenger
2 – Srixon

10 – Colored balls (red, blue, yellow, etc… these don’t really count)
10 – Random (currently in my bag) I know there is a lazer in there, for what it’s worth.
29 – Old PRO V1s and Nike ONEs. (Used for when I am feeling lucky)

303 – Total

So as you can see, it was bad. I have since lost my craving for more balls and am living a more mentally healthy life. I am, however, on constant alert, weary of signs and triggers of relapse. So the moral of the story is this, you don’t need to buy any more golf balls. I have plenty, of whatever brand you would like. You are all free to come and take as many as you need. Consider it for my own good. I fear that it is like when you move old people that have crap that they never use and never will, but can’t part with it – You may need to work out something with Ash… just have her sneak you out some.

Note: Most of the balls in my inventory didn’t actually come from a course, but from surrounding areas. For example, across the road from Hobble and the park near Spanish Oaks, etc… This is embarrassing.

My Recruitment...

Yes, I am being recruited. Neither Bronco nor K-Witt have come to my house and said, “You are old and fat, but we want you to play football for us.” No secret agents from Tikes’ dreams have asked me to leave my old life behind and serve my country as a CIA operative. This time there was no trade show exhibits convention to recruit me to a school. This recruitment is for less stressful.

I am a nursing student and as such, many people want my services in the future. This is why I am being recruited. Now, the decision on where I work comes down to more than just how much money I will make, or where I will actually be working. I am far shallower than that. That is why Mt. View Hospital has unofficially become my next home away from home.

Some representatives from Mt. View have recently visited our nursing class and bribed me with such extravagant gifts as chap stick, carabiners, pens, and the best yet – muffins and juice. Yes, they had me when they handed me my free super cheap carabiner. It is now an essential part of my keychain.

The representatives from the hospital talked to everyone in the class, but I know that it was just so that the other students wouldn’t feel bad if they had talked to me and me alone. So, I have decided to apply sometime in the recent future to begin work as an LPN at said hospital. Future details are forthcoming. Just know that I am important and I got some seriously sweet stuff and you didn’t. Oh, I almost forgot to mention their biggest bribe… 4 grand in cold hard cash over the last 4 semesters. I am contractually obligated to work for Mt. View, Timpanogas, or St. Mark’s for around a year post-graduation.

None the less, they continue to shower me with gifts and plead for my services.

Note – the U.S. Army has also recruited on 4 separate occasions. They provide pizza, but no carabiners. What does that mean? No deal... Sir.